We’ve just hit the two month milestone! When I look back on these last eight weeks I cannot believe how much I’ve learned, experienced, and felt in this short time. Will has grown so much (he has rolls now!), and I feel that I have changed as a person. This week, I’m sharing a few thoughts/updates on these first few weeks of motherhood. 

Month One 

Coming home from the hospital with a newborn is one of the most scary feelings in the world. A small, precious, fragile human is now in your care and you’re expected to help it thrive and grow! 

My mom came to stay with us during the first week and a half of Will’s life and I’m so thankful she did. When we first walked in the door she said that Ted and I looked like we had been hit by a bus. We were bewildered and exhausted. Luckily she went right into Babcia (grandma) mode, picked up William, fed us, and helped us feel safe. I could not have survived those first few weeks without her. She helped us learn the ropes in those early days.

The first thing I did  after walking through the door, was take a shower and I remember just crying in it. Not because anything was particularly wrong, I just had a lot of “feelings” and felt overwhelmed. I wasn’t emotional during my pregnancy, but let me tell you the hormonal withdrawal that I experienced after delivery made me weep like a baby. For the first two weeks, I’d look at a leaf blowing in the wind and start crying.  That’s how emotional I was. It was actually comical how ridiculous it was. Everything made me tear! 

The intensity of my hormones made other adjustments to motherhood more difficult I think. As an active person who loves her independence and always has a to do list a mile long, the experience of tending to a newborn’s constant needs was jarring to me. Will breastfed every 1.5 hours, wanted to be constantly held (even while sleeping), and screamed all the time.  I knew babies were hard, but to actually live it hit me like a wall.  I sometimes wanted to go back to our “old” life and just go back to work, since that’s what was familiar and “safe” to me. Motherhood is a huge lifestyle change that I’m still getting used to. 

I also found myself yearning for much needed alone time to process what had happened during birth. My birth experience was a positive one, but I needed to process all of the emotions and things that happened. I kept having flashbacks to moments during the delivery and found myself wanting to just go into a closet and quietly think about what my body had just done! I wasn’t able to sleep for about a week after delivery because my mind kept racing. 

The hardest part of those early days were the nights and adjusting to the the time commitment required of breastfeeding. Your body has to recover from delivering, you have to get used to sleeping in hour chunks, and your boobs have an entirely new job.  I remember one night Will fed from 9pm to 6 am straight in half hour increments. I came out of his nursery that morning and Ted said I looked like I’d been through a war.  It was so rough, and I found myself dreading the nights because I didn’t know how they were going to go. Was he going to let me sleep ? Or was I going to be a human milk machine for the night? Would he cry all night ?

I share all this not to scare or diminish the wonderful experience of motherhood, but to highlight that as beautiful as it is, that first month especially  is really really hard. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, it tests you. There’s a lot to learn and it’s 100% normal to feel overwhelmed.

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Month Two 

After the intensity of the first month everyone kept telling me “it gets better.” And now that we’ve finished month two I have to say it is indeed SO MUCH BETTER. 

Each week I’d set one or two new things that I wanted to learn and I’d google, youtube, text my friends who are mamas, and baby forum my way to knowledge. Changing diapers, breastfeeding, pumping, giving a baby a bath, sterilizing, bottle feeding, mixing formula. We’ve got these things down now and as the days and weeks go by I find my confidence growing. 

I’ve also started to figure out Will ! You have to get to know your baby and just like with any other relationship this takes time. I’m starting to learn his cues and know when he’s getting sleepy or wants to feed. I love being able to read him better. Will’s main challenge was, and still is, his tummy issues. He takes after me this way ! I figured out he had a dairy protein intolerance that was making him extra fussy so have given up dairy in my diet for now. It’s helped him so much. He also takes a probiotic and gas drops which soothe him.

It’s still too early for a rigid time schedule, but I’ve found that keeping a simple routine with Will helps. We do the same order of things each day and I let Will’s cues guide us as to what he needs. My days are a cycle of sleep, play, eat, play, sleep. Most of my hours are spent figuring out how to get this boy to sleep in his bassinet! 

As for my “to do” list – I’ve learned to slow down, and instead of wanting to do a million things in a day, I now set those goals for the week.  I’m not always successful but it’s a happy compromise for me. I’ll seize the 20 or 30 minutes of free time that Will gives and fly around the house like a mad woman trying to get to the things I can’t do while carrying him. Some days I just say to hell with it and choose to snuggle with Will on the couch. 

Will is still not sleeping the best  but just this week we just started getting longer chunks of three sometimes four hours at night. This is huge for us ! Ted and I take night shifts to try to keep Will asleep. Mine starts at 2am! I still feel weary most days but you get used to the lack of sleep and the new routine. Its incredible what your body can get used to, and even in the sleepiest of moments the smiles, coos, and ahhs from Will give me the motivation to power through. It sounds cliche, but its the truth. 

Something that I find funny is that we’re not using Will’s nursery just yet. For now he’s in our bedroom with his bassinet and we even moved the diaper station and rocking chair in there. Our bedroom is now what I call the “baby war room.” We’ll try to move him into the nursery eventually, but for now it’s been easier to keep things closer. It’s hilarious how you think things are going to go, and then your baby and his habits change everything entirely!

I’m grateful that Ted is working from home, a bright spot in this pandemic. So even though I’m on Will duty 100% of the time while he works, Ted gets to be here and physically spend time with Will. I recognize that this is something special that would not have happened had it not been for covid. Silver linings! 

All in all we’re learning and after those first rocky weeks I’m feeling more sure and confident ! I’ve changed as a person and am proud of what I see.

So now that you’ve read this far I ask for a favor –  go call your mama right now and tell her how much you love her.  Because let me tell you she loves you so much and used that love to power through those first few weeks of life! Give her some appreciation !