This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples and the chances of you knowing someone going through this experience behind closed doors is an exceptionally good one. It’s something that you can’t go through alone. I know I didn’t, I had an abundance of women reach out to me, to support me, guide me. One of those women was Kayla. We were high school best friends, went to the same college, and even planned our weddings a month apart. Who knew we’d also be struggling to start a family with IVF at the same time too. We’ve had the unique experience of going through infertility and becoming mothers together. We are now the proud mamas to two feisty children: Azalea and William.
So for this special week we’re teaming up to share what our experiences have been like after becoming mothers. Because infertility continues to shape us and affect how we approach motherhood, and it’s something that we’d like to share.
What is your favorite part of motherhood?
Christina
I didn’t know it was possible to love this deeply and powerfully. For me its about the affection, the cuddles, and the love. Right now Will is at an age where he’s starting to display affection. He loves to touch our faces, caress our arms, and will wrap his arms around my neck and nuzzle his head on my shoulder. It is the most touching, and heart melting of moments that I savor. My second favorite part are what I like to call our good morning wake ups. Whether its after a night of sleep or a nap, I love walking into Will’s room, singing good morning, and being greeted with his beaming smile and laughter. These warm intimate moments are what I live for.
Kayla
Watching my daughter become a person is the most incredible privilege of my life. She has a spirit and a personality to rival any. Each day she learns something new or masters a challenge is the hands down coolest day. I simply cannot wait to watch her grow up.
What do you find the most challenging about mother hood?
Christina
The first year is so hard and I’m constantly struggling between wanting to savor, yet also survive each moment mode. With motherhood, especially being a working mother, the physical exhaustion I feel on a day to day basis is insane. So sometimes it makes it hard to cherish the small moments. I struggle with this especially knowing that because of infertility Will might be our only child, our only baby. So for me its especially important to be as mindful of everything as I can.
Kayla
Sometimes, no way of sugar coating it, it’s plain boring and frustrating being a mom to a little one. The days can feel endless and repetitive, especially with quarantine. It’s a challenge for me to find peace and patience when I’m tired and burnt out, but then she’ll snuggle into that nook between my shoulder and chin and it’s like we’re puzzle pieces.
How has your experience with infertility impacted the way you parent?
Christina
In the hard moments, the sleepless nights, the frustration I use my experience with infertility to shift my mindset to one of gratitude and it makes all the difference on those hard days. I think to myself, would you prefer life before Will, do you wish things were different? And that answer is always a sure, and powerful no. Because life with Will is my dream come true. I fought to become a mother, to be a parent. Infertility has made the experience of being a mother even sweeter. Because it almost didn’t happen. And I’m so grateful it did. Because of infertility I am a kinder, more patient, stronger, and more resilient mother.
Kayla
There’s a book we read to Azalea that starts, “I wanted you more than you ever will know…” Infertility means we had an uphill battle from day 1. I had to fight, my husband had to fight, Azalea had to fight. I think about it often. In the hard moments and the easy ones. My experiences brought me to this place. They have shaped my life and our family. I am both grateful for them and resentful of them. It’s not always a pretty feeling, but it’s something I work through and accept. After going through IVF and loosing pregnancies, the everyday problems around you seem to get even smaller. It gives you perspective.
What do you want people to know about life after infertility ?
Christina
You are not cured from infertility once you have a child and you won’t be able to heal from this experience until you feel your family is complete. Some of you reading may think well you already have one child isn’t that enough? But I want you to think about choice and how important choice is when it comes to people’s reproductive freedoms. Infertility takes away someone’s choice to have a child. I always envy how easily people can talk about “having another” because for them its can really be just that easy. Those struggling with infertility instead must rely on luck and privilege. One must be privileged enough to be able to afford treatment, endure hormones and procedures, and then hope just for the chance at having a child. It’s a tough thing to live with.
Kayla
My experience with IVF was a little traumatizing in some ways. With infertility you walk this tight rope of hopefulness and despair. You’re literally working from a life and death mentality. It’s a hard switch to turn off. I am lucky to have my daughter earth side with me. I am lucky that she is healthy and doing so well. Sometimes, I need to squeeze her an extra time. I need to hold her a second too long and steal an extra kiss. I need it to help quiet that part of me that remembers the work, the fear, and the battle that was IVF. I can imagine that this rings true for many mothers, not just the 1 in 8.
If you’re interested – Kayla and I are running an infertility inspired give away on our Instagrams (@my.petitejoys and @flouredbyblock). Kayla is an incredible cookie designer (a business she actually started while undergoing IVF) and has designed some beautiful cookies that would make an amazing gift to someone in your life working through infertility.
